it is not unusual for couples to seek counsel to enhance their marriage. This is the case of Henry and Josephine who have been visiting my office for a while now.
Henry is jovial and positive, but his wife is a little bit quiet. On Wednesday, however, the couple came late for the meeting and the man, who normally talks a lot, didn‘t have much to say.
I did not initiate a conversation because I wanted them to pour out their hearts. Few minutes later, Henry said, “I’ll never understand women. My wife thinks we need more intimacy to make our sex life more exciting than it is.
She says we aren’t as close as we used to be. Frankly, I don’t know what she is talking about. I thought we had a good marriage and the only area we need to work on, as far as I am concerned, is to have a better sex life.”
This is typical of most Nigerian husbands. I think there is something about the psychological, spiritual, and physical makeup of human beings that cries out for more intimacy, especially between married couples.
And that is because God designed marriage to be the most intimate of all human relationships, in which we are bonded emotionally, socially, intellectually, spiritually and physically without any hindrance.
Most of the time, because of the nature of the womenfolk (an average woman is highly endowed with intuition, while the man is very analytical and logical), they are usually the first to notice when this area needs attention.
It is actually not a bad idea for couples to ask themselves if they are intimate with each other and to investigate certain areas that look as if they are drifting apart. Such areas could be worked upon.
One … For instance, there are areas that couples could critically look into, such as emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy social and spiritual intimacy. When it comes to emotional intimacy, it is 100 per cent zeroed on feelings. Human feelings are spontaneous and emotional to what we encounter through the five senses.
When we share emotions, we build emotional intimacy that has an inconceivable lasting effect on all areas of the union. Although it is challenging for an African husband to be openly intimate emotionally with his wife, especially after many years of marriage; this type of challenge can easily be overcome with a positive determination.
The older couples get, the better their love should be. True love, they say, is like a flower that blossoms with age. This is because this type of intimacy is one of the greatest promoters of good sex. It is an ingredient that produces lasting sexual escapades in a union.
Two … Intellectual intimacy is another level of intimacy that enhances good sex. It isn’t only about discussing highly intellectual ideas. The important thing here is that couples discuss their thoughts, which may be about food, finances, health, crime, work, and politics. These thoughts reveal something of what goes on in the minds of a couple every day.
On the other hand, social intimacy has to do with spending time around the events of life. Some of these events may be experienced together; others happen while both partners in a relationship live apart. When married couples do things together, they develop a sense of team work, which enhances their sense of intimacy.
One thing that is common in developing intimacy together is that passionate erotic and adventurous sex with each other happens spontaneously and becomes a common occurrence among such couples.
Three … Spiritual intimacy, often is the least, is the foundation of marital intimacy. Yet it has a significant impact on all other forms of intimacy. It doesn’t necessarily require agreement or belief on every detail. Instead, married partners do seek to tell each other what is going on in their inner self.
In this type of intimacy, couples are free to discuss their thoughts about spiritual realities. The purpose here isn’t all about agreement, but oneness and understanding.
And over the years, this has been the most effective intimacy for exciting sexual activities. There is nothing to hide; everything is laid out plain.
Four … The most commonly experienced intimacy is the skin to skin, body to body, physical intimacy. Though when it comes to physical intimacy, men and women are not only different, they often encounter sexual intimacy in different dimensions and express their preferences differently.
Often the husband focuses on the physical aspect, which includes the visual aspect, mostly the breasts, bum and so on, which he sees first; then the attraction, which is the seductive role played by the wife.
Another aspect is the touching stage, which is how well the woman can make him beg for more. Finally, he concentrates on climax.
When a man is satisfied with these areas, he certifies the relationship as intimate. But to his wife, the main objective is deep emotional intimacy which normally leads to any form of sexual intimacy and a greater interest in the success of the relationship.
Being loved, appreciated, and treated with tenderness brings her great joy. Therefore, explosive good sexual intimacy with an electrifying effect requires understanding and response to the different levels of intimacy from both partners.
Five … One of the ways to ensure a lasting intimacy is to allow your spouse to be himself or herself. Meet all the demands of your partner, go wild, explode and go the extra mile to do the unimagined. Just be creative and inseparable.
A partner should also minister sex to his or her partner from their own level of needs. Give him what he wants and give her what she wants. What I am saying in essence is that in intimacy, couples must try to grow closer together, not to eliminate the ‘otherness,’ but to enjoy it.
Men and women are different and we must not, even with good intentions, seek to destroy what makes both sexes different.
Six … Now, let look into what keeps couples from experiencing all round intimacy. What keeps married couples from experiencing intimacy? It could be blamed on selfishness, self-centeredness and refusing to learn and change. Yet, when we focus on self, we lose intimacy, lose our partner and lose the marriage.
The opposite of self-centeredness is love. Love concentrates on the well-being of the other spouse. Couples must take time to listen to the thoughts, feelings and desires of each other. We must seek to understand and to respond with empathy.
We must strive to choose to do things with each other, even things that may not be our favourite activities, simply because we want to be with each other. In the context of such intimacy, married lovers become supportive and caring towards each other, which builds a stronger, more contented marriage and, of course, guarantees more exciting encounters in bed.
Even in the face of change and uncertainty, getting intimate with your spouse helps to renew your marriage. Husbands and wives must beware of symptoms of large-scale neglect, such as separate interests, lack of communication, not spending time together, having nothing in common and leading separate lives.
And don’t forget to do the things that foster a positive marital relationship and be in tune with each other.
Focus on rebuilding the relationship. Marital life is beautiful when sex is beautiful. There is no substitute for good sex.
A couple’s sense of sexual connection will definitely deepen and there will be few quarrels. But even when they do have misunderstanding, resolutions come quickly.
Seven … Also, let couples focus on rendering passionate sex to one another. Can passion and sex go together? Can I have a good sex without passion? Must I be passionate towards my spouse before I can enjoy great sex? Is mutual sex benefit applicable to all? I think my partner’s passion for sex cannot be compared to mine; we are not on the same frequency.
Can I have passion with libido or can I have libido and not be passionately inclined? Does passion have anything to do with my personality or temperament? What do you do when passion goes off but the libido is very high? How can a widow handle her passion when she is not ready for sex or wants to be committed sexually to anyone? These and lots more are the various types of questions I get as regard passion and sex.
Eight … The biggest need is for anyone to change their misconception about the fact that sex, like other life skill, must be learnt and practised well to get the best out of what passionate sex offers.
The first big misconception of many people is thinking that sex is basic and natural and should not be learnt and that there should not be reason to experience ragging passion during sex. However, I want us to bear this at the back of our minds that the passionate sexual instinct in man is God-made and that sex and sexual passion are all universal things.
And in life and marriage, there is no substitute for sex and passion. When a marriageable single or couples refuse to learn the still of good passion and good sex, it will result in dissatisfaction and passionless relationship.
Nine … In reality, sex is cultural; it is the fruit of a learning process and it is something we all have to learn. Because the desire of the man is for the woman, the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man. Until we start learning, we might not be able to unravel the mechanism behind the female sexuality or the way the erection functions.
When couples learn right, they can enjoy instant ragging passion regardless of their temperament, marital status and medical conditions. Intimacy passion and oneness during sex is all about putting all sexual skill to action.
Questions and Answers
I keep giving my wife infection
I am a newly married husband and for some unknown reasons, I keep giving my wife bacterial vaginosis infection. We have been both in and out of the hospital, complaining about the same infection which the doctor diagnosed to be bacterial vaginosis. Although the doctor said it has nothing to do with me and that it is brought about by the female’s anatomy. I am honestly not sure anymore, since I have had this happen to me numerous times even after she is treated with flagyl. I am really concerned that there is a deeper issue of my own health causing this. Ironically, I do not have any symptom myself. I just know that if I have unprotective sex with my wife, then she will get infected.
Bacterial vaginosis (BV) is an abnormal vaginal condition that is characterised by vaginal discharge and results from an overgrowth of a typical bacterium in the vagina. It is not a true bacterial infection but rather an imbalance of the bacteria that are normally present in the vagina. Bacterial vaginosis is not dangerous, but it can cause disturbing symptoms. Most women do not experience symptoms of bacterial vaginosis, but when they do, they are vaginal discharge and vaginal odour. The most important precaution here is for you as the husband to always clean up the tip of your penis with water each time you urinate. When men urinate and do not clean the tip of the penis with either baby’s wipe or enough water, the few last drops of urine that remains at the tip of the penis usually dries up and becomes uric acid after some chemical changes must have taken place. This uric acid mostly becomes an irritant and sometimes harbours some germs that usually lead to bacterial vaginosis. And since you are newlyweds, there are some possibilities of you having so much frequent sex and this frequent sexual act makes you re-infect and re-infect your spouse over and again. So, to prevent this, take a normal full bath before every act of sex.
What is the problem in my sexual life?
I am 23 years old, a wife and right now, I am not satisfied with my sexual life at all. My husband and I have been in this married relationship for a year and a half and for the first year, everything was really great. Although as of then, I could only have an orgasm with foreplay and sometimes by him touching my clitoris or sucking it during sex and I was really very ok with it. During these last few months, my sex drive has slowed down a lot but not constantly. Also, during intercourse, I can feel my husband inside me clearly at first, but then this feeling keeps getting weaker and weaker. My husband is the first one I have ever had, and his penis is 6.2 inches long and 4.5 inches in girth. Do you think the reason for this low is because he is not very big? Or is the problem within me and my feelings?
Mrs. Jamia Hammed
The answer to your question can be yes on both sides and also no both sides. Yes, on both sides if you as a wife have suddenly developed a low sex drive due to pregnancy that you may not be aware of. So, I suggest that you go and do a pregnancy test. Sometimes many newlyweds get pregnant and exhibit this type of symptoms you are experiencing. Also, sometimes it could just be because of some disturbances on your sexual chemical and chemistry interplay. There are some interruptions in the normal way your estrogen and progesterone display. That is, some commotions in the normal chemical actions and reactions. This also can only be confirmed if you go for a test in the hospital. Besides, it could just be that you both had have sex too much frequently over the year that you have temporarily lost interest. This sometimes makes you think that your sexual desire is lowered and the only solution to this is for you both to just take a sex leave for a few weeks or few months. Immediately you are back together, you will just be perfect but this has to be a consent between both of you. On the side of your husband, if he is this small as you have enumerated his size above and you are the type that loves it big and massive, I will suggest you engage more on missionary position and doggy style and to try out the newest discovered penis enlargement natural herbs [it was launched May 2017 in New Zealand and Australia sexual health institute] that is making waves and removing tension from spouses. I will also suggest that you both have more of foreplay; make sure you both get fully aroused and engorged. Your clitoris, like his penis shaft, is composed of erectile tissues. The more excited you get, the more engorged you’ll become. Have your husband go down more on your clitoris and massage it with his tongue or fingers. He can use the ABC’s technique and let him make sure he use his wet tongue more; his tongue is a lot wetter than his fingers!
How long does a woman usually take to orgasm during sex?
Funmi, please how long does it take the female in general to get to orgasm?
It actually takes between ten to twenty minutes. Women generally need longer time to have an orgasm than men who take about 7 to 14 minutes. These are just on the average, of course. Some women may be faster or slower and it can be different from one time to the next. Those passionate movie scenes where women reach the pinnacle at the perfect time during sex don’t usually happen in real life. Most women need more than just penetration to get there. To see the real fireworks, most women need stimulation of the clitoris as well. Sometimes, the position you use during sex can make the difference. But some women just don’t have an orgasm during sex, ever. Whichever way you go can be normal and a woman can have an orgasm and not know it because sweating, panting, moaning, body vibrations — they’re classic signs of an orgasm. But orgasms can be milder, too. Instead of feeling a volcanic eruption, you may just reach a peak of arousal and then feel relaxed and contented. The most important thing here is for the woman to focus on what she does enjoy and keep enjoying it.