1. The relationship almost always leads to a break up because once the man’s need for sex is satisfied outside marriage; the less he has need for the marriage. Sexual feelings are pleasurable feelings, the pleasure wanes when the biological force of sex, which attracted the man, in the first place loses its power. The curiosity and the expectancy that comes with waiting for sex after marriage disappears the minute a woman gives in to sex before marriage.

2. There is the difficulty of discerning the difference between infatuation and true love. The man who shows a lady a lot of attention initially will cool off the minute a woman consents to having sex with him. He might continue to show the attention for as long as she is still giving in to him. When couples engage in premarital sex they tend to stay together for the sex and not because they share common goals, interests and values.

3. Problems are hidden away when unmarried couples engage in sex. The problems they might see are often masked by the pleasures they are getting from the pre- marital sex they are engaged in. When they eventually get married they discover these flaws and shortcomings and begin to have serious problems in their marriages.

4. Embarrassment and guilt are feelings most people get after they have engaged in pre-marital sex. People who give into sex before marriage feel ashamed and angry with themselves for having given into the other person’s pressure to have sex. These feelings can be mild but sometimes it is quite severe and can affect the relationship negatively

5. You lose your virginity the minute you have sex. This is lost forever. Besides the men who most times put pressure on the ladies for sex are the same ones who would rather marry virgins yet they are quite prepared to sleep with as many women as come their way. This should be a pointer to ladies that their virginity is important and should be intact until after marriage.

6. The possibility of getting pregnant is high. When a lady engages in pre-marital sex she might get pregnant even from the very first time she sleeps with the man. When this happens the man who is probably not ready emotionally and financially for marriage would find the thought of the added responsibility of a baby too much to bear and he would simply deny the pregnancy or just refuse to marry the lady again. The lady now becomes saddled with the challenges of being a single parent. In some cases the man might ask the lady to abort the pregnancy and this might lead to complications that may result in infertility in future or death. If the couple agree to keep the pregnancy and get married it equally has its own upsets because then the couple would not have spent time alone together to enjoy each other at least for a while before the babies start coming. This often leads to frustrations and unhappiness.

7. AIDS, Syphilis, Gonorrhea and other sexually transmitted diseases are easily spread through sexual intercourse. A lady might be sure of her state of good health but might be oblivious of the man’s state of health. If she chooses or is pressured into having sex she might contract either of the above diseases that will lead to major problems for her for the rest of her life. One instance of sexual pleasure before marriage is not worth the lifetime of pain and fear a lady might go through. However, if they both wait for marriage before engaging in sex then both should have had tests done to determine their state of health and should thereafter remain faithful to each other to avoid contracting infections from multiple partners.

8. Pre-marital sex might jeopardize a lifetime of fidelity within the sacred bonds of marriage especially when partners have been used to sleeping around with others. They then find it difficult to stick to only one person for the rest of their lives. However, when either parties have kept away from pre-marital sex then the chances of remaining faithful to each other in marriage and enjoying sex with that one wife or husband is higher and greatly reduces the chances of extra-marital sex.

9. It might cause one to lose respect for the other and jeopardize the person’s reputation. Some men put pressure on the ladies to have sex with them not only for the pleasure they will derive but also to ‘test’ and see if she is mature, respectable and determined enough to say no. Once she consents, he will have his way and henceforth lose respect for her. If unfortunately for the lady the man is immature then he will brag about the fact that she gave in to him and probably describe the whole episode to his friends. We all know it is such a small world and in no time the lady’s reputation will be ruined. This will spoil her chances of finding a man willing to marry her later in life.

10. The honeymoon loses its value when the couples have already engaged in pre-marital sex. There is nothing special to look forward to because they have engaged in sex before marriage and all the expectations of a blissful discovery of each other sexually would have been taken away.

11. It destroys your relationship with God. Pre-marital sex is sin and it is sexual immorality and is called fornication. God warns us as His children to desist from it. And to flee every appearance of evil. 1 Corinthians 6: 18 states “ Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, and you are not your own? For you were bought with a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s”. 1 Thessalonians 4: 3 states “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality”. Revelations 2: 21-23 states “ And I gave her time to repent of her sexual immorality, and she did not repent. Indeed I will cast her into a sickbed, and those who commit adultery with her into great tribulation, unless they repent of their deeds. I will kill her children with death and all the churches will know that I am He who searches the minds and hearts. And I will give to each one of you according to your works”.

QUESTION 6– What signs does a lady look for to know if a man is right for her or not?

Apart from your decision to give your life to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, your choice of a marital partner is the second most important decisions you will ever make. It will affect your destiny.

In my book “165 questions to ask before marriage,” I discussed 165 factors to consider before choosing a life partner. I will like to discuss 8 important factors that will guide you along the path of making the right choice.

i. Is he a mature Christian? It is not enough to choose a Christian partner. You need to know if he is matured. Does he really love God as he professes? Does he exhibit the nature of Christ? Can you wholehearted say that is a born again Christian? You should know that the qualities that are required to be a mature Christian are the same qualities needed to be a good husband.

ii. Is he from a dysfunctional home? Did he grow up a happy child? A man raised from a home of constant bickering and strife between the parents and siblings has a likelihood of doing the same. Such a man may not be a good husband because he did not have a role model. It has been observed that children brought up in unhappy homes are not eager to marry, there is no incentive for them and when they eventually do, they fail at it. Has he worked on himself? Do you think he is improving by each day? If yes, you can consider him for marriage.

iii. How can you describe his relationship with his parents? You can tell of a man who will be a good husband just be watching how he relates with his parents and siblings. Can you say he has a good raport with his parents? If not, what are the reasons? Was he hurt at childhood? Has he forgiven them? If not he may not be a good choice for you in marriage. A man who cannot forgive will not make a good husband because you will make mistakes in marriage and you need a man who can forgive. Marriage is two forgivers living together.

iv. Does he respect and honour his parents? You must observe his attitude towards his parents. Does he respect and love them? A man who does not respect and appreciate his biological parents cannot respect and love his wife.

v. How did his parents discipline him? The way a child is disciplined affects his future behaviour and attitude. Were they passive, domineering or manipulative? Were they violent or firm? These are pointers to his behaviour. Is he domineering or passive? You need to know if he is irritable or accommodating. You need someone who can accommodate your weaknesses.

vi. Is he excessively attached to his parents? Does he listen to his parents more than you? Do they always influence his decisions? If yes, you may not be able to cope with him because there is a tendency for his parents to rule your home.

vii. What was his parents’ attitude towards sex? Do they believe you should be involved in premarital sex? Do they believe that sex life could be a healthy one? Do not forget that his parents experience and believe about sex will definitely affect him. He may put you under pressure and may be involved with illicit affairs before and after marriage. Do not consider him for marriage.

viii. Is he sincere? A man who hides from you is not worthy of you. You need to carefully observe him. Is he open and straightforward? Does he have integrity? Avoid a man who is not transparent to you because when you are married, he will hide so many things from you.

ix. Are you compatible? This is strong point you need to consider to make a right choice. Is he your friend? Are you comfortable with him? Are you compatible spiritually, physically, intellectually, socially etc. You need to think about this issue. Take time to think about:

- Spiritual compatibility: You need to ask yourself if he is as committed to God as you are. Do you see God in the same perspective as he does? What is his spiritual weight and history? Do you have the same passion towards the things of God? If the answer is no, it means you are not spiritually compatible.

- Physical compatibility: Physical looks play a greater role in life. You must not overlook his appearance. Is he presentable? Is he neat? Are you always complaining about his dressing? Does he listen to your advise about looking good? Are you sure you will not be complaining when you are married? You need to be physically compatible.

- Intellectual compatibility: What educational background does he have? Does he have a broadened mind or is he myopic about the issues of life? Is he confident? Can he express himself? Are you satisfied with his IQ level? Do not shy away from addressing these issues because they will affect your marriage.

- Social compatibility: How does he behave in the society? Does he relate with people? Is he concerned about other peoples’ welfare? Is he proud or humble? Is he shy or bold? Are you proud of him in public? Your answer will determine if you are socially compatible.

Please remember that marriage is for people who are matured spiritually, intellectually, socially, emotionally and financially. Marriage does not make an immature person mature, neither does it make an unhappy person happy, but happy and mature people do make successful marriages.

I will advise that you obtain my book – “How to choose a life partner – 165 questions to ask” which deals extensively about this topic and other related issues.